


Tacenda

by CaptainCiella



Category: Free!
Genre: Airports, Ambiguous Relationships, Christmas Party, College, Denial of Feelings, Dreams, F/M, Fear of Discovery, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Future, How Do I Tag, I'm Bad At Tagging, New Year's Eve, Pining, Plans For The Future, Reader-Insert, Romantic Friendship, Sightseeing, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Studying, Tourism, Travel, University, World Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:20:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23165377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainCiella/pseuds/CaptainCiella
Summary: Tacenda - Things better left unsaid; matters to be passed over in silence.In this group, there wasthisfriend. This friend with whom you didn’t talk much but had the most entertaining conversations. It lasted so long in cafés that the barista and the cleaners had to tell you to leave for closing.Natsuya Kirishima. He went swimming abroad, competing in the most prestigious tournaments and winning the first place to travel and again compete to win. It had been a while since you both graduated high school and you didn’t keep directly in touch with him, even though you promised each other to give news regularly and to visit each other’s country.—A fic that involves the Reader studying abroad; please choose any country you wish to study or travel! Your hometown can be your real hometown, but also another city or country you wish to live in, please feel free to insert anything and dream big! Whenever [Country] is written, feel free to add anywhere you wish to travel and visit!
Relationships: Kirishima Natsuya/Reader
Comments: 8
Kudos: 17





	1. [1]

**Author's Note:**

> A long-ass fanfiction for my favourite Free! character, Natsuya. He's so inspiring and though usually my fics are only 3k long, this one is unexpectedly long! I hope you'll enjoy reading it as I enjoyed writing it, though it's just me fangirling over him. 
> 
> I started writing it in July 2019, but it took me ages to edit it and be satisfied with it. I'm not 100% satisfied but that's the best version I came up with and that I'm confident and willing to share with you. Coming up for the title was soo hard and so long but I'm rather satisfied as well!
> 
> I tried to be as vague and inclusive as possible for the country/city where the action takes place so you can feel free to imagine and travel whenever you want! Please tell me if it's odd or if you felt off, anything that made your reading uncomfortable, it would help me!

It had been two years since you settled in [Country] and for the first time ever, you started missing your friends. You were so eager to study overseas that you didn’t think about missing them when you decided to take the entrance exams in another country. You liked and enjoyed their company but you also enjoyed being alone — sometimes, their presence was exhausting. You used to meet them every day and gather in weekends in high school and it had become chores to see them. Settling abroad would make you take distance with them, both literally and figuratively and not get bored with them. You knew it could end up by breaking off all the ties with them but in this case, you would understand that your friendship wasn’t as strong as you believed – life would still go on without them and although the thought was difficult to accept in the first place, it was life and you still had plenty of opportunities to meet new people. People would call you heartless and pessimistic but you preferred to call yourself free and optimistic. Moreover, talking and seeing them every day didn’t add much to your friendship— topics of conversations were running out and it quickly set a blank. Taking distance and meeting them a couple of times in the year and have endless conversations seemed better to keep up your friendship than getting more and more bored of each other after seeing each other several times a month in the same negative mindset you had with them.

In this group, there was _this_ friend. This friend with whom you didn’t talk much but had the most entertaining conversations. It lasted so long in cafés that the barista and the cleaners had to tell you to leave for closing. _Natsuya Kirishima_. He went swimming abroad, competing in the most prestigious tournaments and winning the first place to travel and again compete to win. It had been a while since you both graduated high school and you didn’t keep directly in touch with him, even though you promised each other to give news regularly and to visit each other’s country. You only communicated with him through your group of friends’ group chat and you missed the late-night texts you used to have in high school.

There was this awkwardness and silliness when you were with him. You didn’t even want to call him a friend because he wasn’t a friend like a _friend_. He was this friend who paid your drinks in cafés and everything else when you hung out with the group. He was the friend with whom you slept in the same bed after a party and hadn’t the feeling of unease afterwards because both of you agreed tacitly to pretend that you were too drunk to find a decent place to sleep. The friend who was more than a friend but with whom you had distance and avoided certain topics. There was something with him that you knew it would happen one day but preferred to ignore it for now. You closed your eyes on this side of your friendship and it somehow left a slightly bittersweet taste when you sometimes thought about him. 

You didn’t think much about him but there were these days when he mysteriously wandered in your thoughts. However, you didn’t want to text him— as long as he didn’t text you, he was doing okay and you were doing well too. You didn’t want to text him just because for the sake of it. Last time you texted to each other was a week before he takes off to begin his swimming journey, asking you if you could drive him to the airport. You had left him on read since then. Wondering whether you should give some “news” of your new life, your fingers already started to type some trivialities. Hopefully, you erased them and pretended to never have text. Natsuya deserved more than some _“how are you doing”_ or _“are you enjoying your new life”_. He must’ve forgotten about the promises since he must be busy travelling and enjoying competing at higher levels.

Believe it or not, you received a message from him in the next few hours, asking if you could meet him in the next days since he was planning a short stay in [Country] before he takes off for another country. You asked for the dates and if he wanted to do some sightseeing, then he called you because it was easier to discuss this way— that’s what he said, although you would rather text because it seemed easier to take notes to organise the schedule. 

It felt strange to hear his voice through the phone— you never called each other so you barely recognised his voice, sizzling and jolting. You exchanged some trivialities and started to set your schedule. 

“I leave this to you, [Name]! I trust you.”  
“This is literally the worst thing to say, Natsuya,” you retorted, upset.  
“I don’t know your city, you know. I let you show me the best spots, that’s all.”  
“You can say it if you’re lazy to do sightseeing,” you said in a reproaching tone of voice.   
“Pfffh!” he chuckled. “Actually, I don’t mind sightseeing, I just wanna meet up with you somewhere.”  
“You’re not making things easier.”

You quickly summarised the schedule you made from the little chat and your conversation became soon negotiations whether you would accommodate him in your student flat – you accepted, as your city was known to be expensive for young travellers. _Things escalated quite quickly_ , as your friends would say. You were going to be busy finding a mattress, some pillows and duvets but also to inform your landlord. You already anticipated your flatmates gossiping and asking you if Natsuya was your boyfriend. You had to organise a fat schedule so they barely see him but still let them know that someone was in the flat just in case.

He arrived earlier than expected with tons of luggage that you struggled to put in your small car. You quickly did a tour of the city, showed the museums you would visit and the main square, where you usually met up with your friends and finally, your university. He asked so many questions about your life there during the short drive that you were afraid to run out of topics afterwards. When you finally arrived at your residence, your flatmates welcomed him and had tidied up the common areas, although you never asked them as it was your turn this week. You were busy tidying up your room and blowing up the camping mattress which made your room impossible to walk for the next few days. Relieved, you discreetly thank them as you saw one of them going out for groceries, followed by the others coming out of their room to greet Natsuya.

They quickly introduced themselves and helped you and Natsuya to find some space for his pieces of luggage. 

“When are you coming back home?” you asked while bringing his backpack upstairs.  
“For Christmas. It’s been two years since the All-Japan Invitational.”  
“Ikuya must miss you, you should come back more often!”  
“He’s doing well without me,” he said. “He’s not a kid anymore.”  
“Well, that’s true but you should pay a visit more often!”

He faintly smiled, helped you to carry his backpack and promised he would come for Christmas and perhaps for his brother’s birthday and competitions. 

“How about you? When will you come back?”  
“For Christmas too and that’s all.”  
“You can’t say much about me then,” he teased.   
“I keep in touch with messages unlike you!” you retorted teasingly.  
“I’m not good with social media!” he blushed. “And the time difference doesn’t help!”  
“Stop finding excuses!”

You both chuckled— you missed him somehow. It’s been a while since you hadn’t spoken your native tongue but it felt like it was another language. You quickly decided to eat something since his stomach had growled immediately after having sorted out his luggage. After a half an hour discussing whether you would eat Chinese or Italian, you decided to eat Indian since he already missed the taste of the traditional curry he had eaten a week ago. 

Even though you battled to pay the bill, he ended up winning, upsetting you. He was supposed to be the guest but he didn’t act like it. 

“Let me pay for you, you’re inviting me,” he proudly said while giving the money to the waiter.  
“That’s why _you_ should let me pay, stupid,” you retorted with a smile. 

After dinner, you decided to walk in the city and to check the local bars and perhaps drink something if it were happy hours. You were both broke for the month and he even complained about it. 

“Then why did you pay for my meal?” you remarked.  
“I wanted to,” he said. “Don’t complain, you won’t be as broke as I am.”  
“You’re talking nonsense,” you sighed. “You must be tired, right?”  
“Yeah, maybe,” he whispered, chuckling.  
“Let’s go back, we can drink another day.”

You went back in your flat, quickly showered and jumped into your bed, exhausted. He was already asleep when you came back to your flat.

—

You thought he would be asleep until lunchtime but he surprisingly didn’t. Actually, he was the first to be woken up. It was seven o’clock when he opened his eyes and he had to wait two hours for you to wake up, since he was afraid to get to know whether you were a morning person or not— and face your anger early in the morning. You were both excused for your awful mood when you woke up several times together after partying – now, neither of you was hungover nor had slept uncomfortably.

“Good morning, Natsuya,” you mumbled, rubbing your eyes. “Have you slept well?”  
“Yeah fine, thanks and you?”  
“It was okay. Since when are you up?”  
“Not long,” he lied, knowing that you would know that he didn’t dare to wake you up.   
“I see,” you smiled. “Wanna eat something?”

He nodded and followed you downstairs. You didn’t have much choice to offer; only a few varieties of cereals and toasts with home-made jams— he ended up eating both of them.

“Are you eating properly while travelling? You eat for like ten people.”  
“Yeah, don’t worry.”  
“What are we gonna do today?”  
“Sightseeing, I guess?”  
“Yes, but what are we gonna visit?”  
“Museums and walking tours, if you’re okay with that.”  
“I said I trust you, there’s no way I can complain,” he said with a wink. 

The way you talked to him since yesterday didn’t change from the way you talked when you were in high school. It seemed strange since you could feel how mature he had become at the same time, even if didn’t seem so at the first impression.

—

After a quick tour of the city and the visit to the most famous museum in your city, you decided to take a break in your favourite café. This time, you paid for his drink. 

“This looks like somewhere you’d go often,” he remarked.   
“What do you mean?”  
“I mean, it looks like the first café we went, right?”  
“Maybe,” you whispered, taking a sip in your [favourite drink]. “I miss that café.”

You discussed plans as you used to do in high school and promised each other to meet up again after Christmas.

There was this strange feeling when talking to him that never disappeared through the years you didn’t see each other. The way he rested his chin on his hand, making his head tilt on the side showed that he listened to you with attention and care. He never said a word while you were talking and although it made you shy and embarrassed of being talkative, you enjoyed the feeling of being listened with attention. You missed the never-ending conversations with him— and you’ll always miss them because there was no one you can talk the way you talk to him. 

_Old habits die hard_ , it was soon the closing time and you were told to leave in a few minutes. Natsuya quickly finished his cold and almost tasteless drink and waited for you to come back from the bathroom. 

It wasn’t time for dinner yet but as you went outside the café, you immediately started to look for a place to eat. Again, you had no idea where to eat and take-outs was the only thing you didn’t want to eat right now— you wanted Natsuya to eat at as many restaurants as possible rather than the mainstream fast-food chains. He stayed so little time there before he takes off to another destination. 

“What do you wanna do tomorrow?” you asked, already running out of ideas even though you promised yourself to create a fat schedule.   
“What’s in your schedule? You told me you had one.”  
“Actually, it’s not as full as I pretended,” you chuckled. “Wanna go shopping?” you teased.  
“Why not,” he replied, taking you by surprise. You never thought that Natsuya would accept a shopping day. “I have things to buy actually.”  
“Let’s do that. Anything else?”  
“Wanna drink tonight?”

You smirked. Both of you were too tired to drink yesterday. You remembered that today was the day of the happy hour at the bar you usually go. It was the perfect opportunity to drink— it had been two years since you hadn’t been to a bar with him— you knew how quickly he would be drunk and enjoyed it in advance. This evening, you decided to eat French and already programmed what you would eat tomorrow— Italian and Chinese, as you wanted for the first day. You quickly ate then rushed to the local bar to enjoy the happy hour. 

“Don’t drink too much, I won’t be able you carry you home,” you warned. “I know you.”  
“Don’t worry, I won’t.”

Rather unconvinced, you raised your drink and stared at his eyes.

“Cheers!”

—

“You’re leaving tomorrow, right?” you asked as you woke up.  
“Yeah.”

Natsuya was already up, stretching on the mattress. Even though he said he had slept well, you could see that he was tired given his eye bags. Yet, he was more energetic than you who slept more and didn’t have a hectic schedule every day as him. 

“Don’t you wanna sleep more?” you asked, wrapping yourself in your duvet. “You look dead.”

He held himself back to burst into laughter to not wake your flatmates and sat on your bed.

“Do I look that dead to you?” he asked, leaning on you. “I don’t think so, we’re even.”  
“God, you stink alcohol.”  
“I’m sorry,” he said, standing up. “Can I use the bathroom?”  
“Go ahead,” you said, yawning and stretching. “We’re doing shopping today, right?”

He nodded then went in the bathroom. In the meantime, you chose your outfit and tidied the room a little. You took a tablet to get rid of the headache due to the alcohol last night. Speaking of it, you remarked that Natsuya had become stronger— he didn’t even become red, unlike the firsts years when you started drinking together in parties. 

You glimpsed at the mirror next to your bed and remembered that you forgot to remove your makeup before sleeping. You sighed and wished you won’t have spots in the next few days. Again, you stretched and let yourself lay on your bed. Being with someone even for a short time was more pleasing than you expected. You mostly enjoyed your time alone and didn’t like to hang out with other people. When you knew that you would live in a shared flat with fellow university students, you were quite reluctant to meet them. You feared that your personal space would be invaded but in fact, it was tolerable since you hardly saw your flatmates because they were so busy with their internship and exams. Sometimes, you even had the flat for yourself. You feared that Natsuya’s presence would be tiring but when you thought that he wouldn’t be there tomorrow, it made your heart ache a little. You knew it would be a short stay but it seemed too short and there were still plenty of things you wanted to do together. In high school, you planned to go to festivals and to do a road trip — you still didn’t do it and you even discussed this last night. Being with him seemed to last forever and each time you talked, you were only adding more and more projects and dreaming about realising them. When you were in high school, you believed that these projects were only said in a whim along with the flow of the conversation, that it didn’t matter but the more you talked, the more it started to become real and that the next time you would meet up, you would realise it. 

“Hey.”

Natsuya had finished showering and stared at you. He was wiping his hair and some drops of water fell on your face. 

“Do you want a hairdryer?”  
“Yes, please.”

Before you get up, he wiped the drops of your face, making you snort. 

_You’re cute_ , you seemed to have read from his lips as you hardly heard his voice. 

“What?” you asked, doubting what you had read.  
“Nothing,” he mumbled, looking away. 

You got up, picked your hair dryer from your drawer, gave it to him then went to take a quick shower that was actually lasted twenty minutes. It was the only place where you could take your time and let your mind wander. These past few days with Natsuya were far different than the ones you spent when your friends in town or family when they came to visit you for a week during their holidays. Days with them were long and exhausting yet with Natsuya, everything seemed short and hectic. His presence almost became vital in the space of two days and it seemed unnatural for the lonely wolf you were. How could someone become this important in your life? It was not as if you were in a negative state of mind and that he came to brighten up your days— actually, you appreciated your life here, you had good marks and were in peace with yourself; you had fewer insecurities than a few years ago and worried less about small things. You were about to put a word on these thoughts but you kept your mouth shut; in a few days, you would forget and it was better to keep these thoughts silent.

Your quickly applied some light makeup to make yourself a bit more presentable. Indeed it was light, but it was more than your daily makeup. For the first time, you used the lipstick you had bought weeks ago which had brighter and shinier than the usual one you used. Make-up was only a hobby for you, you didn’t mind when people didn’t notice it nor when they did but somehow, you _wanted_ him to notice because it would mean that you didn’t waste your time in the bathroom. 

You went back to your room and Natsuya was struggling packing his luggage. 

“Come on, we can do this tonight!”  
“You don’t know how much it’s exhausting!” he whined.   
“I’ll help you. You’re gonna buy things today?”  
“Yeah...”  
“Then it’s better to sort this out tonight,” you said with a smile, grabbing your hairdryer.   
“You’re right, but it’s better to start when you have some time,” he remarked.   
“Don’t start to argue! By the way, wanna take a brunch? It’s actually quite late for breakfast.”  
“Why not.”  
“Then let’s go for a brunch when I finish drying my hair. I know a good place.”  
“Would you like me to dry them for you?”  
“I thought you had some luggage to pack.” you teased as you saw him trying to find a place to put his clothes away.  
“You said it was better to pack tonight,” he remarked. “Let me dry your hair.”

You gave him the hairdryer and sat on his mattress so he could sit on your bed. You didn’t hesitate at all but as soon as he sat behind you, you felt a warm shiver in your back.

“Tell me if it’s too warm,” he said, turning on the wind. 

His hands brushed roughly your hair and let the air through your strands which relaxed you. It felt nice to have someone to dry your hair— it was different from the feeling of going to the hairdresser and have your favourite hairstylist taking care of your hair. It felt intimate with Natsuya— he asked if the temperature was alright, whether you wanted to brush your hair sometimes... You could hardly hear him but you enjoyed replying by nearly shouting. 

“I guess it’s dried now,” he said, turning off the dryer. 

Your hair was dried indeed yet it felt strange— usually, you spent several minutes but it seemed that it lasted only a few minutes. You quickly brushed your hair while he went to change himself in the bathroom and you were ready to go. 

The day felt as short-lived as a shooting star. Unfortunately, you couldn’t make a wish for the day to be longer. You barely checked the time and when you did, it was already time for dinner. You had so much fun wandering in every shop that you find interesting and spent ages in it. Natsuya had bought a few souvenirs for his family and most of his purchases were clothes that you advised him to buy. His luggage would be a nightmare to pack but he seemed that he didn’t care much about it since he was happy filling his wardrobe. 

You ate dinner then returned to your flat to start packing his luggage after relaxing a few minutes. You took your shower then started organising his stuff by categories. He was used to struggling alone with his luggage but since you were there, it ended sooner than expected. You weren’t even tired afterwards that you decided to watch a film before going to bed.

Exhaust didn’t exist when you were with him. You had so much fun and piled up activities on activities that twenty-four hours a day weren’t enough to do all of them. Even though it was nice to have him around, it didn’t mean that you wanted to live with him and to wake up every day to do a one activity you discussed the previous day. Meeting him sometimes was great and perhaps even better since you could talk and enjoy more. The next meeting could only be better and you looked forward to it.

You didn’t even finish the film but you both ended up drowsy in the middle of it so you decided to shut the lights and finish the film the next time you would meet. You set up your alarm clock then fell asleep just after saying goodnight.

—

Natsuya was already up when you opened your eyes. He was checking his plane tickets and his identity papers to make sure he hadn’t lost anything. 

“Good morning, [Name],” he said as soon as he noticed you rubbing your eyes.   
“Hi. Not too tired?”  
“I’m okay, thanks.”

You stretched, yawned to try to be awake. You had to drive him to the airport, you couldn’t allow yourself to be tired. 

“Wanna take a shower?” you asked before you go.  
“No thanks.”  
“Then I’ll go. You can grab something to eat in the kitchen, help yourself.”

It seemed strange to say the words “help yourself” at the end of his stay. Usually, these words are said first to make him comfortable, not in the end when he was about to leave in a few hours. It was when you got used to his presence that he was leaving— it was somehow bittersweet but you thought about the next time, it could only be better. 

You struggled again to put his luggage in your small car but you finally managed to put all of them in the trunk and the back passengers’ seats with the help of your flatmates who had the courage to wake up early to sent him off.

The journey to the airport wasn’t supposed to take more than thirty minutes but you somehow felt that you were driving slower than usual. The motorway was clear and there were no cars around. You had plenty of time before his flight— almost three hours so you could enjoy just a little more time with him before he goes. 

Once you arrived, he immediately checked-in so he could get rid of his heavy luggage to wander around the airport with you. It wasn’t the duty-free zone but it had a large diversity of shops— you both couldn’t afford anything except books or key chains.   
You enjoyed trying dozens of perfumes knowing that you could never buy them— you won’t use them anyway. On the other hand, he was looking at the local confectionery shop to buy something for his little brother and his friends. 

“Wanna buy something for them?” you asked as you looked at the sweets next to him.  
“I don’t know... I have already have plenty of things for them.”  
“Maybe something for you?” you suggested.   
“I bought plenty yesterday!”  
“Then let me buy for you,” you said, taking the box of sweets he was staring at, rushing to the tills to not let him pay.  
“[Name] it’s alright! I’ll buy when I’ll come again!”  
“We never know, Natsuya, what if your plane crashes and we never meet again?”  
“Why are you suddenly dramatic?”  
“I don’t know, just thought so.”  
“Do you wanna me to die?”  
“That’s not what I said,” you said as you paid. You asked for a gift wrapping even though Natsuya refused.  
“You clearly meant it.”  
“I didn’t.”

You received your purchase and gave it to him. 

“Thanks,” he said with a smile. “You didn’t have to wrap it, you know.”  
“It’s nothing! I wanted to thank you to have come.”  
“It’s nothing! I wanted to meet you.”

You heard the announcement for his flight— he still had time before the boarding but it was better to be early to avoid any stress.

“Well... I guess I gotta go.”  
“Yup. Hope the passport check won’t be crowded.”  
“Don’t worry.”  
“You’ll come back this Christmas right?” he asked, suddenly concerned.  
“Yes.”  
“Thank you again for the sweets.”  
“The pleasure is mine.”

The words couldn’t find a way in your throat. It was only one word but it seemed so wrong to say them because it sounded like a farewell. Instead of saying them, you both hugged each other for an unexpectedly long time. The announcement was made again, reminding him that he had to let you go. While loosening his embrace, he captured your lips, tightening the hug. You naturally followed him on your tip-toes and wished this moment to never end. Unfortunately, hearing his flight destination again in the announcement reminded him that the had to go. 

“Thank you,” he said, letting you go with a bittersweet smile.   
“Come back when you want,” you said, pushing him towards the gates. _And stay longer_ , you wanted to add but these words were somehow stuck in your throat.   
“See you soon,” he said, finally entering the hand luggage checking zone.   
“See you,” you shouted, waving your hands and waiting for him to disappear from your sight. 

He waved at you and went towards his gate number. You left the airport afterwards to come back home and to tidy up your room. Conversations while driving, walking, eating already seemed to belong in a distant past that you weren’t sure you really lived. You would miss his presence in the next few days, some sort of post-meeting depression. You would miss how you both teased each other, how you made fun of him... You would miss speaking your native tongue although it seemed strange to speak it in the first minutes you met up with him. You would miss his fingers through your hair strands and the taste of his goodbye kiss.

Wait. _Did he actually kiss you as a goodbye?_


	2. [2]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > You couldn’t help yourself but think about the kiss – _was it even one?_ – at the airport. It somehow felt natural and obvious but your relationship with Natsuya wasn’t supposed to go in this way. You were friends, this is what you believed or maybe tried to make yourself believe. You had never made a move to change your friendship as you were afraid to lose its stability. You appreciated having someone as understanding and open-minded as Natsuya to talk with and that was _all_.

You couldn’t help yourself but think about the kiss – _was it even one?_ – at the airport. It somehow felt natural and obvious but your relationship with Natsuya wasn’t supposed to go in this way. You were friends, this is what you believed or maybe tried to make yourself believe. You had never made a move to change your friendship as you were afraid to lose its stability. You appreciated having someone as understanding and open-minded as Natsuya to talk with and that was _all_.

You hesitated whether you should text him or not. You couldn’t have this kind of conversation by text since you often forgot to reply after a certain time— Natsuya would certainly be the same since he never used his social networks. He had accounts on many of them with quite a lot of followers though but he couldn’t keep up posting photos of his life. Phoning him now would be expensive for him and you could barely hear each other. All you could do was to wait for your next meeting for Christmas. 

The only text you received a few hours later was from him.

 _I forgot to tell you something, let’s talk later._

It made you upset and confused at the same time. He only seemed to avoid the questions you would ask and to move the problem elsewhere. He perhaps hoped that you would forget until Christmas. He was being a little too naive and you weren’t that silly. You knew what he would tell you, or at least, fantasied about it, knowing that the probability would be low. _Or high. Depends._ You only replied with a simple _ok_ since you didn’t want to put your energy to write volumes of your confused and messy feelings. You needed as much time as he needed to sort this out.

During the next few months, you killed your time hanging out with your friends to bars and clubs and socialising so much that it almost scared you. Most of them were men and you openly flirted with them, a thing that you had never done before. It emptied your mind and the more you were out, drinking and flirting, the more you forgot about Natsuya although he still had his place somewhere in your mind. You couldn’t simply get rid of him that easily and you hated him for that. Sometimes when you were drunk, you typed a rant to him just to delete afterwards; you were drunk but not dumb enough to send a risky text. You would talk with him face to face when you would come back for Christmas. 

You were backing home in a few days but still hadn’t packed your luggage. As always, you wanted to take your whole room with you, meaning that you would have a dozen of luggage with you which was impossible. After hours of thinking, you finally managed to pack the essential in your smallest travel suitcase and backpack. You were excited but also reluctant to meet your friends again with whom you kept in touch but hadn’t chatted much during the few past months. You hadn’t talked about Natsuya to anyone since you didn’t know at first, who was suited and willing to listen to you. Moreover, it was only between you two and you didn’t want your friends to fantasise over you. You would certainly talk when things would be “official” even though you hated this word.  
What happened between you remained between you and what happened in [Country] stayed in [Country].

You hesitated to text Natsuya to ask him whether he was already arrived in [Country of origin] so he could pick you up. Instead, you received a text from Nao, asking you if you needed help. You hadn’t talked much to him but it was nice to know that he hadn’t forgotten you; after all, you were both the managers of the swimming club of your high school, you couldn’t easily lose touch. You accepted the lift to go back home then drove alone to the airport. You were driving faster than usual. You remembered how slowly you drove when driving Natsuya a few months ago. You smiled bitterly as you did your best parallel parking ever and rushed towards the check-in counter with your luggage. Your flight was departing in one hour and you were already late. Yet, you quickly did a tour in the sweets shop of the airport, reminding you what you had bought for Natsuya last time. You hesitated whether you should buy something for him since you already had a box of sweets to share with your friends in your suitcase. It was Christmas indeed, but you hadn’t bought anything special for each of your friends so why would _he_ get this special treatment? Yet, you desperately wanted to offer him something, even the tiniest box of sweets of the gift shop. You bit your lower lip, trying to resist to your will. You sighed and rushed towards the hand luggage checking zone, trying to get rid of the idea of offering something. 

Your flight arrived on time and luckily, your luggage came to you right when you crossed the borders. You looked for Nao who was supposed to wait for you just after the luggage collection lobby. You saw a familiar silhouette while wandering in the airport to search for your friend. This very familiar silhouette went in the same direction as you and reached the same point as you. It was Natsuya joining Nao and you could swear to Gods for this coincidence. Nao saw you behind his friend and waved at you. 

“Hi, [Name],” he greeted, taking your heaviest luggage to put it on a trolley.   
“Hi Nao, thank you.”

You glimpsed at Natsuya who you knew from a single look that he was waiting for you to greet him. You smiled at him, naturally— you didn’t feel the awkwardness nor the unease that you feared to feel when you would actually meet him again. It felt like nothing had happened between you two. Actually, nothing had happened as you didn’t start anything.

“Hi... Natsuya,” you finally said. 

You felt irresistibly attracted to him. You had one wish: getting on your tiptoes to reach his lips for a light kiss. You wanted him to grab you by the waist and to kiss you instead of dull and usual “hello” that everybody said without thinking. You blushed at the thought and prayed for your instincts to hold still— you could mess everything in one second. Your gaze on him seemed to last forever— as if he was the only one in this world. 

“Come, Natsuya, [Name],” Nao called, breaking off the spell between you. 

You followed him in the parking and looked for his car; his parents allowed him to borrow the huge family car so he could carry your bunch of luggage. 

While driving towards Natsuya’s house, Nao asked to both of you plenty of questions about your trip and how you felt in your new life, whether you missed your friends who had stayed in [Country of origin]. You admitted that you didn’t miss them very much since you had new friends and it was same for Natsuya, who had met friends all around the world thanks to his competitions. 

“It’s nice to come back for Christmas though,” you said.   
“See? You should come more often actually,” Nao said. “By the way, do you remember Asahi, Haruka and Makoto in secondary school?”  
“Yeah, kind of. Haruka is the guy who only swims free, right?” you said, remembering this little stubborn boy.

It was nostalgic to talk about them since you lost touch with all of them soon after graduating from secondary school. 

“Yes, that’s him. They’re in Tokyo and we’ve seen them in the All-Japan Invitational. They’ve gotten really strong.”  
“Ahhh, them. It’s true that you haven’t seen them for a while [Name],” Natsuya remarked.

As you left [Country of origin] soon after your high school graduation ceremony and never came back since then, you missed a lot of things. You knew Natsuya had seen his brother for the All-Japan Invitational to compete with him but you hadn’t really heard of the former medley-relay team of Iwatobi. You were eager to know what looked they had become. You still had their baby faces in your mind and you looked forward to seeing how they had grown up— you felt like a proud sister. 

“They’re organising a Christmas party and I was invited... I told them you guys are gonna come,” Nao said with a kind smile. “I hope it doesn’t bother your schedule.”  
“Not at all!” you and Natsuya exclaimed, as if you had a schedule together and that you both cancelled it without asking each other. 

Nao sighed, relieved that you had nothing planned. You arrived in front of Natsuya’s house a few minutes after and you helped him with his luggage. As soon as his brother welcomed him, he hugged him even though Ikuya seemed reluctant as he blushed. He met your gaze and shyly greeted you. He was as tall as his older brother but he still had the babyface that made you feel of him like a big sister for him. You chatted with him for a dozen minutes, updating each other’s life. Although he wasn’t talkative by nature, you enjoyed small conversations with him— there was something relaxing with him and even though you saw him like a little brother, you did your best to not treat him like that. He had his own, amazing brother after all. 

“I’m sorry, I have to go Ikuya. See you on the 25th?”  
“Yes, see you,” he said, slightly bowing. “It was nice to see you.”

You waved and jumped into Nao’s car who was finishing talking with Natsuya. As he started to drive, you noticed a smile on his lips, the smile that meant that he knew that you were hiding something. Hiding wasn’t actually the good word— you just hadn’t talked about it yet. His smile was meant to help you and he was just waiting for you to talk about your concerns and listen to you until you feel lighter and relaxed. You decided to keep quiet despite his tacit offer to help as you were still confused by your feelings. 

—

You spent some days with your family, hanging out to the city centre and bought some stuff to decorate your student bedroom. You knew you would struggle to put all the things you bought in your small travel luggage but you wanted some innovation and a fresh start for next year. You made yourself as busy as possible to avoid thinking about Natsuya and the kiss. Excitement and concern overwhelmed you and you could hardly concentrate on something else. You were dying to text him just to meet but part of you refused to do so; rushing was useless and it felt better and wiser to speak with him when the mood was set at some point of the conversation. Forcing was useless and it was exhausting to make such an effort. You eventually thought about your outfit for Christmas yet you still hesitated between chic and casual. You didn’t want to be the only one who overdressed for a friends’ gathering, neither the one who was too lazy to dress up to the nines for festivities. Neither did you want to dress up for Natsuya. _Why would you spend time for him?_ you asked yourself, trying to convince you that he had no feelings for you whatsoever, although it seemed impossible after the _kiss_. Your feelings were an utter mess and you couldn’t dare to put a name on them. If you did, you were doomed. Being in a relationship for you only meant trouble and a commitment you couldn’t assume. It was better for you to be alone and being free when you meet someone for a night to fill your loneliness.

Days until Christmas came pretty fast since you were pretty busy. You bought some small presents for your friends with your savings and even treated yourself by going to your favourite café to rest and enjoy your time alone. It felt like the calm before the storm although your mind was not as calm and relaxed as it should’ve been. You eventually decided what kind of outfit and makeup you would wear for tonight— casual-chic clothes and light makeup as always. There was no need to change your habits just because it was a special occasion. Even when you celebrated Christmas with your family, you wore pretty plain clothes compared to them who always bought fancy clothes for any occasion.   
You finished to put your lipstick on and retrieved your handbag and the bag of presents before leaving your house, greeting your family. You didn’t tell them at what time you would come back— after all, you often spent the night in the host’s house or came back in the morning when everybody started to wake up. 

—

Your eyes met for a second before you both look away. You loved and hated these moments that made your heart flutter for a second that seemed to last forever. You didn’t dare to smile as you felt shy and embarrassed— how your behaviour towards him had changed in just a few months made you feel even more awkward when you took a seat next to Nao – meaning – in front of Natsuya. He seemed less embarrassed than you— in fact, he was indifferent and nothing had changed in his attitude towards you; he just talked less to you since he was busy catching up with Haruka. Actually, you never talked a lot with Natsuya except in cafés. In school, your relationship was only one of classmates and manager to captain. There seemed to have nothing deeper and you wondered how and why you managed to keep in touch with him.

After catching up with the former swim club, the conversation drifted onto people’s college life in the capital city of [Country of origin]. Most of them enjoyed their new life although they were stressed by the exams which were more difficult to keep up with their routine made of training, lectures and part-time jobs. Even though you lived in another country, there was a lot you could relate to them. Their lifestyle was pretty much the same as yours. Eventually, after a few drinks, the conversation drifted onto relationships, _as always_ when your friends were drunk. You somehow missed how much they complained even though it used to annoy you. It had been a while since you haven’t listened nor talked to them so you enjoyed being with them, even for a short time. You enjoyed because it was for a short time. 

“Do you guys have time to date someone?” Asahi asked, his cheeks slightly reddened due to the alcohol. He seemed pretty weak, weaker than Natsuya. 

Speaking of the devil, it was he who answered the first. Unlike his kouhai, he seemed to not have drunk a single drop of alcohol. 

“It’s not that I don’t have the time, it’s the girls. They don’t wanna because of the distance.”

 _Oh._ He asked girls on dates, then. He flirted with plenty of them then, to be able to conclude in this way. He didn’t have time— he didn’t _try_ to have time for them. 

“They wanna keep in touch forever. Always. Texting, calling and so on... it’s expensive!”

He had a point. Dating is expensive and takes time and effort. In his case, it was justified and you could easily understand. You didn’t need to keep in touch every hour and you didn’t need to meet up every weekend— it could become boring after a few months. 

“Besides, I’m not into dating right now,” he said, sipping in his pint. 

_Ouch._ Even though you didn’t make things clear with him, there was only one thing you didn’t want to hear but he said it anyway. You weren’t into dating either but you considered the question for Natsuya. Dating him. Distance. It didn’t bother you and maybe you preferred having some distance rather than devoting yourself and your time for one person.

“Dating sucks,” you outdid. “It’s time-consuming and you know its end when you start getting attached.”

 _...And you were already attached to him._ You were attached to him as a valuable friend. Your friendship would die if one of you admitted their feelings – if they existed. People often say that being lovers is another level of friendship— you partly agreed with the statement but the difference you could remark was that friendship never stops contrary to a romance. At least, a real friendship never comes to an end. 

“By the way, [Name] how are guys in [Country]?”  
“They’re damn hot,” you blurted without thinking. After all, they were and you had nothing to hide about them. 

You noticed Natsuya spitting his drink out of surprise. He was discreet enough to not get noticed by the others but enough for you to see him. You, fortunately, didn’t meet his gaze but you somehow wished you did. _What was this reaction? Was he jealous?_ You shamelessly enjoyed his reaction.

“I mean! They’re not into dating and I’m not either. It’s all about having fun for a night.”

You knew that your friends considered your point of view of dating as an _original_ one, formal word for weird or absurd. You enjoyed dating, in the way of going out with the one you loved but you didn’t want to commit all your time nor have intense and overwhelming feelings. Maybe this was what you wanted with Natsuya – free of meeting and talking whenever you wished and not dedicate all your time to him and take most of your time for yourself. However, part of you wanted to be a classic couple of young adults with him— going on dates, being madly in love and devoted to the other, talking about building a future together, eventually settling down somewhere and renting a flat together, then going on holidays... One thing was certain, you wanted _something_ with him, you didn’t want to stop there. Yet, it seemed that he didn’t want _anything_ with _anyone_. This thought only was about to make you cry. It seemed that you were overreacting but you couldn’t help but feel the pain in your chest as if you had broken up with someone.

You stood up and pretended to go to the bathroom to get some fresh air outside. It was silly of you to be upset and you despised yourself for being so naive and to have fantasied about a relationship— you knew it was impossible for both of you even if your heart seemed to say the contrary.

“Hey.”

You recognised his voice and you wished it was a dream. He was the last person you wanted to see right now.

“Are you alright?”  
“Of course.”

 _...not_ , you wanted to add. He literally said in front of you that he didn’t want anything with a girl while he had started what resembled the beginning of something with you. Something you knew you both longed for years but never dared to make a move.

“We’re friends, right?” you asked.   
“[Name], are you alright? You’re gonna catch a cold outside, come in!” Asahi said, grabbing your hand, leading you inside. 

You couldn’t hear Natsuya’s answer but just by glimpsing at him, you understood that he considered you more as a friend than a possible lover.

—

Once the New Year celebration ended, you packed your stuff to go back in [Country]. Your holidays didn’t last long and you had plenty of work to catch up. It was the perfect way to forget your emotions for a while and to focus on your studies. 

As soon as you arrived, you quickly wished a happy new year to your flatmates and exchanged some gifts before going into your bedroom to put your stuff away. Things went quickly after your return— you hardly had the time to chat with your friends and even to go out to relax a little. This helped you to forget about your emotional mess although it still hurt somewhere in your heart. After all, it’s your fault if you hoped for something you knew it would impossible. Gradually, you got used to the feeling and slowly started to forget it for real. What happened was only made on a whim. There was nothing serious. Nothing is clear with him. What were you? Friends? Lovers? Acquaintances? Nothing fitted. 

_Let’s talk later._

Nothing made sense. 

Frustrated, you sighed as you saw a notification popping on your lock screen. You hated how your life was made of random but no so random coincidences. Natsuya just texted you to ask if you were free in the next two weeks because he was planning on visiting you. You wished you were strong and determined enough to pretend you were too busy to meet him but before you had the wisdom to do so, you were already typing a confirmation and your mind was already full of him. 

Again, you were accommodating him and planned a whole schedule to keep him busy and to enjoy his stay here although he only stayed for three days. You hoped that it wouldn’t be awkward if something new happened but you’d rather not to raise your hopes too high. 

It could only be worse for your heart to see him but you looked forward to meeting him— to make it clear and go back to the old good friendship you used to have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! <3


	3. [3]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsuya arrived in the airport without delay and as planned, you came to pick him up. You hadn’t felt the awkwardness you expected when he greeted you, it was the same feeling as when you met up for Christmas. You came back at the classic friendship you always had with him. At least, to the relation you always had with your friends with no ambiguities. You had the most basic chit-chat in your car back to your flat and you wondered how you could act so obliviously. You felt like you were more avoiding the subject rather than talking the way you used to do in high school. Something was missing in the flow of your conversation— it wasn’t the lack of topics nor an awkward silence but something deeper you pretended to ignore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last part, finally!! Thank you for bearing with me and thank you for reading!!

Natsuya arrived in the airport without delay and as planned, you came to pick him up. You hadn’t felt the awkwardness you expected when he greeted you, it was the same feeling as when you met up for Christmas. You came back at the classic friendship you always had with him. At least, to the relation you always had with your friends with no ambiguities. You had the most basic chit-chat in your car back to your flat and you wondered how you could act so obliviously. You felt like you were more avoiding the subject rather than talking the way you used to do in high school. Something was missing in the flow of your conversation— it wasn’t the lack of topics nor an awkward silence but something deeper you pretended to ignore.

“I booked a restaurant for tonight,” he said, shifting his gaze outside to get rid of his little car sickness. “I hope this doesn’t bother you.”  
“I’m fine with that, thank you. What’s the name of the restaurant?.”  
“I’ll tell you later,” he said with a smile.  
“I’m looking forward then.”

You hesitated whether you bombard him of questions about the dinner or keep your mouth shut and enjoy the surprise. 

The fact that he was inviting you made your heart flutter and wondered why he did so as he was the one who had let you planning and deciding everything the first time he came – he knew nothing of the city obviously but it wasn’t as if now, he knew it by heart because even you who lived there, for now, two years, hardly could go to a new place without using an online map. How could he be the one who was inviting you tonight, planning it without telling you? It took you by surprise and your mind was again confused and excited about the meaning behind this invitation – there should be none, though. You mentally did a list of all the restaurants you knew and could find in your city and wondered in which one he would take you to. When he came for the first time, you always had a debate about whether you would Italian, French or Chinese.

“Why are you staring at me?” you asked as you caught his gaze on you. It had taken quite a lot of courage to do so as your cheeks had started to redden.  
“You’re driving too fast,” he said. “You’re not letting me enjoy the landscape.”  
“Well, I’m sorry,” you mechanically replied.

He smiled as he looked at you, remaining silent, making you tense. You wondered what he was thinking about— did he even remember about the kiss? You couldn’t help but think about it each time you saw him. The way he messed your feelings was crazy and you wished to settle this in the next few days. You didn’t know how yet, but you would eventually find out, though it would take some courage. 

You did your best parallel parking as you parked next to your residence and you saw your flatmates waiting for Natsuya. It had been a while since they hadn’t met and they were eager to see him, even though they hadn’t really talked. Since they never invited their friends to the flat nor seen someone new, meeting someone out of their routine helped them to relax and forget a little about their exams, getting out of their routine. They helped him with his luggage and they quickly carried everything in your room.

“It’s a bit fancy,” Natsuya blurted out, out of the blue.

You looked at him, confused.

“I mean, the restaurant I’m taking you tonight.”  
“I thought we would be eating at the Indian restaurant we went last time,” you said without thinking. “You seemed to have liked it.”  
“Well, I did but I want to take you somewhere fancier.”  
“Should I wear anything special? I mean...”  
“Well I don’t know actually,” he laughed. “I guess we can go in casual-chic clothes?”

You opened your closet to have some inspiration for your outfit tonight. This sounded too much like a date night. If you were dating, you would have worn your most beautiful dress and the most expensive pair of high heels but as you were friends, you wondered what you could wear without being provocative nor with intentions of flirting— you were _friends_ , nothing more, nothing less – you tried to convince yourself. Part of you wanted to tease him all the time to feel the exciting vibe of flirting but your other half refused to break the stability of your friendship, although it had been shattered with the kiss.

“I think this one is okay,” Natsuya said, pointing your [favourite colour] dress.

It was a simple yet elegant design that you kept for special occasions. Since you hardly attended events, you had worn this dress once or twice.

“Do you think so? It’s a bit too much no?” you commented.  
“I don’t know I think it’s okay... Do what you want.”  
“You pressured me by saying that you would take us to a fancy restaurant!”  
“I’m sorry!” he laughed as he opened his travel suitcase to find an outfit and a pair of shoes that would suit.

After a few hours of thinking, you were finally ready and about to add the final details on your makeup. You didn’t do a full makeup but it was enough to be noticed and you were quite satisfied with it. You seldom wore makeup as you hated spending so much time to pretend to look beautiful. You liked your bare face as much as you like your makeup face so you didn’t see the reason to spend time every day. Yet, today felt different as you enjoyed doing it— moreover, seeing you become pretty in the mirror gave you confidence. On a personal note, you would do this more often whenever you feel downcast.

He gave you the address of restaurant – but not the name – and you drove down to the city centre and parked near the wealthiest neighbourhood as it was close by. You now had an idea of fancy it was and the price of a meal course scared you. It was nothing like the Indian nor the French restaurant you went last time which were rather fancy for students like you. You weren’t as broke as before and had some savings for the month. You could technically afford a two, even three-course meal but you would be eating pasta until the end of the month. Not that you disliked the idea but you wanted to have a more balanced diet than carbs.

Once arrived in the restaurant, he led you in and confirmed his booking while you quietly followed him to your seats. You wondered why he had reserved such a fancy restaurant. He could have reserved a simpler, more affordable restaurant in the most lively neighbourhood of the city centre – he liked these neighbourhoods. You seated as the waited pulled back the chair and you skimmed through the menu before realising that you could only afford a main and not a two-course meal as you expected to do.

“Don’t worry, I’ll pay,” Natsuya said, noticing your concerned face.  
“But it’s expensive!” you whispered to not disturb the customers around you. “Can you afford that?”  
“Yes,” he proudly said. “I saved some money. Order what you want.”  
“Are you serious? I don’t even understand a meal’s name.”

They were long and used so many words to describe the meal that you barely understood what you were going to eat. You were pretty sure that even though the name was long it meant something you knew very well, or at least, something you tried before.

“Ask the waiter for some advice,” he said. “That’s what I’m gonna do since I’ve got no idea,” he continued as he laughed.

You giggled. He was keeping such an image of the capable guy in front of you as if you were his older sister and wanted to make you proud of him.

“You don’t need to put yourself on a brave front, you know,” you said as you saw the waiter approaching. “You can tell me if you can’t afford it completely, I can help.”

He smiled at you before the waiter came. He asked him for advice and what was popular and recommended. You practically did the same but luckily, you didn’t end up ordering the same meal. It would have been boring and you couldn’t have gotten the chance to enjoy a bite of his meal.

You stared at each other in the eyes for a short yet somehow long moment. You knew this feeling even though it had been ages since then, reminding you of the outings in cafés after school. You smiled as you felt embarrassed and tried to find a topic of conversation.

“What are you going to do next?” you asked awkwardly to break the weird yet somehow pleasant silence between you.  
“I’m heading off to [Another Country]. There’s a tournament with a pretty big amount of money,” he said, grinning as he talked about it. “I heard there are a lot of great swimmers, I can’t wait.”

You missed seeing him eager about what he likes. The way he talked about his passion with such love and dedication inspired and motivated you. You continued listening to him once the meal arrived and you could ask for nothing more. You were content just by listening to him talking about swimming and his future trips and prospects but also listening to his complains about administrative tasks he hated to deal with but necessary to keep his dream a reality. You could relate a lot with all his paperwork since you had gone through them while applying for a student visa in [Country]. However, unlike him, you had nothing more to do once you were settled.

“What are you doing next?” he asked you suddenly.  
“What? Me? I don’t know... I may start to seek for a job but I’m not sure yet... I’ll see. I’m just gonna stick with studying...” you said as you thought about your prospects. You just wanted to graduate successfully your degree and eventually pursue for one or two years but you actually had no idea of what you wanted to do. “I guess I’ll still be hanging out drinking between lectures and clubbing between assignments for a while. The truth is I still don’t know what I want...” you caught yourself saying it aloud.

It was something you were pretty used to do when you were talking about Natsuya. The worries and the insecurities you had never wondered or pondered before were spilt in the conversation and you had no control over it. He made you feel listened and that helped you to think more clearly.

“It’s okay if you don’t know,” he said. “I’m not sure either. I won’t swim while travelling the world forever. I wish I could but I have to settle somewhere to claim my retirement benefits,” he laughed. “I still haven’t found what I want and even if it makes me so anxious since many of our friends seem to have found their way, I believe that I will find it one day or another. It’s not today or tomorrow but you’ll eventually find out. I don’t think you should worry about your future; I know it’s easy to say but that’s what I think. I may not be the best person to say that since I seem to run away from my worries by travelling and swimming...”  
“Natsuya...” you whispered, astonished, as you didn’t expect him being so honest and reassuring to you. “I—“  
“I’m sorry, I mustn’t be in the place to say that, I’m sorry if I was being rude—“  
“Natsuya, thank you,” you muttered, almost in tears.

It was only a few words but they moved you in the bottom of your heart. They reassured you and made your mind a bit more clear about your future. You didn’t need to know now. You still had time, no matter how little, you still had time.

“Thank you, really... You reassured me,” you said as you smiled, wiping your tears in the corner of your eyes.

His thumb brushed your face and wiped the tear in the corner of your other eye. This simple yet surprisingly intimate touch reassured you even more. His tender smile, the soft touch of his skin, his joyful voice telling you to stop crying otherwise he would cry with you— you wished this moment never stopped.

The waiter came to serve your first dish, interrupting your romantic mood. He described each component of the meal and wished you a good lunch before leaving. Natsuya and you stared at each other again, a smile in the corner of your lips— thinking about a few second earlier.

“Enjoy your meal,” you said as you broke off the gaze of embarrassment.  
“Enjoy,” he said as he started it. “This tastes really good!” he exclaimed as he brought the first piece of meat in his mouth.

You smiled as you tasted your own meal with delight. Flavours were well mixed and you could taste each of them without being confused or disgusted. Gastronomy was really something you could come to enjoy since you really liked the aesthetic of the presentation of your meal. You almost regretted not having taken a picture before starting but you didn’t want to interrupt your conversation nor the mood with Natsuya just to show off on social media you hardly used anyway.

Surprisingly, you both enjoyed your meal in silence. It wasn’t an awkward silence due to lack of topics; on the contrary, it was this comfortable silence, making you feel respected and understood. And mostly because the food was too good to take breaks to speak.

“Wanna try?” he suddenly asked, almost finishing his meal.  
“What? Yes sure,” you said, a little confused and blushing for no reason.

You thought he would give you his second to the last piece of meat on your plate but he waited for you to let him feed you.

“Wait,” you said embarrassed. “Can I?”  
“Sure!”

You scanned the restaurant, checking to make sure that nobody was staring at you. You quickly took the piece of meat and tasted it.

“Thank you, it’s so good!”  
“You’re welcome.”

You gave him your last piece of [favourite food] and started looking at the dessert menu. Again, you had no idea of what you wanted to pick because there were too many interesting choices.

“Do you want me to order something for you so you can have two desserts?”  
“No, don’t worry, I’ll pick one. Thanks, though.”

The waiter came to take your order and you hesitated until the last minute to decide which dessert you would choose. You ended up ordering the one that sounded more exotic and refreshing rather than the classic dessert you use to take when you were a child.  
Natsuya ordered one of the desserts you wanted to pick – actually, the one you hesitated with and you smiled at him as if he had read your mind. It was his favourite dessert as well, you knew he would order it. Talking with him around a fancy and relaxed dinner was what you always wanted to do together. There was something magical and timeless in the moments you spent with him. When he talked about his prospects, he was so charismatic without even trying – it had nothing to do with his looks though you found him pretty attractive. It was beyond his appearance and you wished that many other people could see this side of him. There was no need to have fallen for him to see it, it just needed to ask him to talk about it and see all the magic happen. Somewhere in your heart, you wished it was a date night, being on your nines, openly flirting with each other.

There was no doubt now. You loved him and you wanted more of him and you wanted to take the risk to accept the extent of your friendship to come to an end. Love never lasts and breaks friendships. You admitted your love for him to yourself, you already lost and you were _oh-so_ vulnerable now. You would have high expectations for the next days of what would happen between you two. You would expect him to hold hands for no reasons as if the feeling was mutual.

–

As you were walking on the narrow pavement, your hand brushed his so many times that it was getting harder to pretend not noticing it not being shy about it. Your hands were only touching _by chance_ , nothing was intentional after all.

He suddenly entwined his fingers with yours, stopping you. Did he notice that you were teasing him? Did it annoy him?

“[Name]...”

His voice was unexpectedly low and serious. You thought he would just tease you in return and joke around. His touch felt almost solemn— so much that you were the one who wanted to joke around to relax the atmosphere. You didn’t, as he looked too serious to let you change his mind.

“I...”

He stared at your hand he was holding, his thumb stroking your fingers affectionately.

“I love you...”

He met your gaze, shyly but determined to hold it. He didn’t smile nor had the beginning of a grin in the corner of this lips. You didn’t dare to avoid immediately his eyes after meeting them. Although your feelings were mutual, these three words felt so hard to utter – it would make them even more real while you were still unsure of what you wanted with him.

“Natsuya...” you began. “I...”  
“I’m sorry,” he said, letting go of your hand and back with his naturally relaxed tone of voice, “It must be embarrassing for you, right? I’m sorry. I don’t need your answer now, you know.”  
“That’s not that, Natsuya,” you say between his sentences.  
“I don’t want to pressure you. I... I just wanted to tell you how I feel about you. I’m serious, in case you were wondering,” he added, making your heart skip a beat.  
“The truth is, Natsuya, I... realised my feelings for you half an hour ago...” you started, embarrassed of how you were slow at admitting your love for him. “I can tell... that I love you but it’s too soon...I have so many things in my head right now...”

Natsuya took both of your hands and wrapped them into his big ones and met your eyes again, making you blush.

“Let’s not rush okay? I have so many things to tell you too.”  
“But you’re not staying for long,” you remarked.  
“That’s not an excuse to rush. I... actually want something serious with you, [Name].”

The word “serious” made you take a step back.

“It scares me, you know. Seriousness and dating. I’m not into dating _dating_ if you get what I mean. I don’t want to lose you, I love you so much it hurts me when I think of what will happen between us if it doesn’t go well.”  
“It scares me a lot too. I’m not into dating _dating_ either. I don’t want us to be the “classic couple according to the norms of society” chatting and being lovey-dovey all the time. I need some time for myself and be alone, you know? I don’t us to be together all the time and I know it can upset some people so just so you know…The long-distance relationship doesn’t bother me.”  
“I… I feel the same about all that stuff about dating,” you said with a smile, entwining your fingers with his. “Though I’m madly in love with you and wanna try everything with you,” you confessed with a chuckle, reddened cheeks – you must look like a mess saying all these embarrassing things but you didn’t really care.  
“I know right? I wanna do everything with you, take you on a date, do a road trip, go to a festival… but I know you love your freedom and so do I.”  
“We’re strange, aren’t we?” you laughed to relax the atmosphere, swinging his hands. “Not knowing what we really want but knowing it very well at the same time.”  
“Indeed,” he said, pulling you towards his chest. “We are.”

His lips were almost stroking your forehead and you could feel the beating of his heart on the palm of your hand.

“What do you mean by serious?” you asked.  
“I mean that I want more than a friendship with you. It sounds cheesy but I see you as a woman and not a female friend, you know—“  
“That sounds pretty scientific,” you remarked with a grin.  
“Stop teasing me, will you?” Natsuya whined, squeezing your hands.  
“Sorry, go on.”  
“Well... Long story short, I’m not confessing my feelings for you in a whim just to obtain something from you tonight, I don’t want us to be friends with benefits. I want a deeper relationship with you, that’s all.”

You buried your face in his chest, as you couldn’t handle any more emotion looking at him. Too many things happened in such a short time and your brain could barely process.

“I’m sorry, I really need time to sort this out,” you said, stepping back.  
“Don’t be. I understand,” he replied, letting go of you. “I don’t want to pressure you for an answer so take your time.”  
“Thank you, Natsuya.”

You wanted to hold hands to your way back home but as you were unsure of what you wanted with him, you would rather not give false hope, though you felt that you already knew your answer. It was undeniable that you loved him more than a friend. You were dying to kiss him but the uncertainty in your thinking about being _serious_ and dating without _dating_ stopped you from doing so.

—

The next few days felt longer and slower for some reason. You knew that your schedule was full but it felt like your life was on slow-motion. You kept thinking about him and what he said, repeating his words in your head, trying to come to a decision. You could see that Natsuya was trying his best to act as if nothing happened to not to pressure you but you could feel he was anxious about it. You felt sorry for keeping him waiting for your answer, although you were almost positive about it— there still was a little fear and of losing him as a friend forever that prevented you from making the final decision. You deeply loved him as a friend and as a man and losing both sides of him would be too destructive for you, whereas you stayed friends, you would never lose anything. At least, this was what you thought before he confessed— now you were cornered. There seemed no reason for you to say no and the only choice you could do was to take this chance to make a change in your relationship. You may lose him forever if you refused to give it a go and stay friends whilst you had feelings and repressed them because of your fear. You kept wondering on every option possible but in the end, you wanted to be serious with him and have this relationship. It scared you to know that you might lose him in the end but you had the feeling that you would lose him forever if you didn’t take the chance and the risk to be with him. 

It seemed too late to give your answer now as you were heading to the airport. He was going to fly to another country and you wouldn’t see each other for another six months or more. You didn’t know if you could be able to bear such long distance without seeing each other without making it clear between you. After all, you accepted to meet him these few past days just to make it clear. Enjoying being single had its advantages but part of you wanted to be able to see each other as often and as easily as you wanted without the disturbing ambiguities.

Unfortunately, you couldn’t have the cake and eat it too. You heard the announcement of his flight calling for passengers and you knew you would never be given a second chance. He was about to go to the borders checks and you won’t find another chance to tell him.

“Natsuya, let’s be serious,” you blurted out of the blue while he was about to go.

He sighed with a smile. _You have the worst timing_ , you read on his face and you were terribly sorry for it.

“You’re making me want to miss my flight,” Natsuya chuckled, ruffling his hair of embarrassment.  
“I’m sorry, I’m the worst, I...”  
“It’s alright, I’m the one who should be sorry. You must have felt under pressure these past few days...”  
“I swear I wasn’t!” you yelled teasingly, pinching his cheeks. “I was going to tell you my feelings before you go.”  
“Nice timing, exactly before I go,” he teased. “I wasn’t expecting your answer now, actually. I thought you would take longer,” he admitted with a smile.

You heard the very last announcement for his flight.

“Go, now,” you said, pushing him to the gates.  
“Wait, can I kiss you?” he boldly asked. “Or if you don’t want to, can we—“  
“Sure,” you replied, wrapping him in your arms, getting on your tip-toes to reach his lips.

He hugged you back tightly and his lips met yours softly, reminding you the previous time you accidentally kissed at the airport. His embrace tightened even more, almost making you breathless.

“Sorry for the kiss I’ve stolen you last time,” he muttered.  
“So am I,” you chuckled. “I love you.”  
“I love you too.”

You kissed again, saying that it would be the last one— it never was.

“I want more...” Natsuya whispered between kisses, cupping your cheeks.  
“You’re gonna miss your flight,” you reminded him between two kisses.  
“I know.”

He kissed your forehead— so he wouldn’t be tempted to miss his flight.

“I’m looking forward to seeing you soon.”  
Loosening his embrace, he couldn’t help but giving you a last, short kiss before heading towards the customs check.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic was very fun to write and it's the longest I've ever written ~~(though I just finished a 19,5k fic right now lol)~~ \- made me realise that I would probably never date anyone because I really like being alone and being free, I feel like I've never be able to dedicate my time and myself to someone unless they're my soulmate and we perfectly understand each other, which probably, statistically, very difficult to achieve. That may be why I write about people who date in the distance ahahaha, sad.
> 
> Well, I hope you appreciated anyway, take care <3


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